Opinion | Lights, Camera, Trump!

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Dear Charlotte and Fred:

Here’s our first memo in your script. The workforce was excited after we realized you had been engaged on a dystopian drama through which a hack actuality TV star will get elected president. Crazy plotline! We’re very , nevertheless it wants loads of work.

No viewers goes to purchase the present model. In one five-minute scene you’ve bought the president’s large marketing campaign man getting convicted of a jillion completely different monetary crimes, whereas on the identical time the president’s previous lawyer-fixer is admitting that the chief of the free world instructed him to make use of hush cash to repay former intercourse companions. We love scandals, however that is simply too, too excessive.

Also, whereas we perceive you’re going for laughs, we’re fairly certain there is no such thing as a such factor as a python-skin coat.

We can’t purchase the scene the place the president goes to a rally proper in spite of everything these tales break and he’s bought the gang yelling, “Drain the swamp!” This is similar time you’ve bought his first two congressional supporters hit by corruption indictments. I do know it’s speculated to be irony, nevertheless it’s teetering on madness.

However, we don’t need you to drop the congressmen utterly. We appreciated the element about one orchestrating an insider commerce on the White House picnic. And having the opposite use marketing campaign funds to get a aircraft ticket for his pet rabbit was a pleasant contact. Would you concentrate on making it a fuzzy pet? Then when everyone will get off the aircraft the pet might attempt to lick the president and our hero/villain would recoil. Nothing audiences like higher than hating a person who hates canine.

The forged

For the lead, we’re questioning if we might discuss Liam Neeson into gaining 50 or 60 fast kilos for the half. And possibly a youthful Ray Liotta kind for the sleazy fixer.

We’re not shopping for your present model of the president’s different lawyer. He’s speculated to be a giant hero from 9/11 and but each one in all his traces screams “incompetent great-uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving.” You’ve at minimal bought to present him a special background, like fixing parking tickets. If we will work that out, we’re pondering possibly it is a job for Danny DeVito.

The cheery Republican House leaders who ignore every thing that’s occurring don’t have a giant half, however we predict it’d be a terrific appearing alternative for the Backstreet Boys.

As to the ladies — we just like the stripper. (Reese Witherspoon? Jennifer Aniston?) When she will get paid off to maintain quiet about having intercourse with the about-to-be president, are you able to give her some particular phrase we might characteristic within the promos? Like “Kazowie, Mr. Candidate!” Or “Real leaders use condoms.”

We’re slightly involved you’ve made all of the lead characters so repulsive that individuals aren’t going to need to go see the movie. Mandy has a very good suggestion — take a second take a look at the spouse. Right now she’s means too picket, and no person will imagine that pair has had intercourse since Dick Cheney was in energy. How about making her a former federal prosecutor who gave up the prospect to be legal professional normal to face by her man? Is he grateful — or ticked off that she didn’t take the job and protect him from investigators? Not a plot twist we’ve ever seen earlier than.

Foreign affairs

We’re searching for severe worldwide gross sales, so undoubtedly let’s take this man to a giant assembly with leaders abroad. Maybe slightly little bit of motion when he runs over the pinnacle of the European Union in his golf cart.

However, no person right here likes the entire Russian subplot. It simply doesn’t make sense. You’ve bought a lead character who’s in bother for that girlfriend payoff plot, and for having an entire pile of crooks in his administration. (How many characters, by the way in which, can get indicted earlier than the credibility fizzles?) And then you’ve this different entire large subplot about colluding with the Russians to repair the election. Sorry, any president who had all these messes directly could be out the door in 5 minutes.

Another downside with the primary girl: You gave her an immigrant background and a heavy accent. So far, so good. (This is the purpose the place we begin fantasizing Meryl Streep.) But you’ve additionally bought your lead railing on a regular basis about stopping immigration. Does that make sense? Just don’t imagine you’re going to get anyone to purchase that package deal.

Finally

This is a crucial word from Larry: At the height of the motion, our essential man is six ft deep in investigations and he goes out to present a speech to his supporters. In which he retains reminding them that he gained the Electoral College. Now our viewers goes to listen to that and understand it is a president who didn’t win the favored vote.

Larry thinks you need to drop that element and let him win the favored vote. Otherwise, he’s so compromised from the get-go that individuals will begin strolling out with the opening credit.

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Gail Collins is an Op-Ed columnist, a former member of the editorial board and was the primary lady to function Times editorial web page editor, from 2001 to 2007. @GailCollins Facebook

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